I've not done one of these raw 'from the heart' type posts for a while now. I often feel a bit nervous sharing my inner thoughts which is daft I suppose as I always receive such wonderful support from you lovelies. So here goes...
GirlGoneDreamer is a lot of things. It's a lifestyle blog, writing platform, but it's also my online journal. A place for me to offload. Something for me to look back on in years to come.
Sometimes I have days when I feel panicked. And no this is nothing to do with my anxiety disorder - though granted that probably doesn't help. No. This sort of panic is the kind I suspect any other female friend in my shoes would feel when they're knee deep into their thirties, no husband or even boyfriend, no kids, no foot on the property ladder, not even a frigging toe if I'm honest. I owe too much money and even though I'm on a debt management plan, it's going to be a few years before I'm completely debt free.
I remember writing a life plan at sixteen which included being married with children by the age of twenty five and working my dream job. Oh how life laughs at sixteen year old me. It obviously had other things in mind.
I should be grateful I suppose. I should recognise what I do have.
A roof over my head.
A paid permanent full time job.
The fact that in time I will be debt free thanks to my DMP.
My nephews. Three gorgeous boys who never fail to brighten my day or make me laugh. And boy do they make me laugh.
Incredible friends.
And of course I have the other little things that make me happy. *A good book. My love of words. And the rest...
(*Trying to explain this to someone who hates reading usually results in them looking at me in some dumbfound horror. You mean you read just for fun?)
For the most part I am grateful. I've had to learn that happiness is not necessarily about the destination or end goal, but rather the journey along the way.
To say 'I will be happy once I achieve such and such a thing' or when I meet 'the one,' isn't healthy. But that doesn't stop me feeling a pang in my gut when another friend announces their impending nuptials or pregnancy. I want the guy, the wedding, the house and the kids you know?
Life has so far failed to bring me any of these things, and although I am not without hope, I'm also not about to wait for life to catch me up. Perhaps life has something in store for me that I'm yet to discover. Who knows? But meanwhile I'm on a page in my life now where I'm ready to make things happen for myself. No pity party here!
I can't force romance, love or marriage but I can try to make the other things happen. Inevitably I will be debt free in a few years and once I can afford my own home, I'll be contemplating adoption or A.I. (Artificial Insemination not Artificial Intelligence ha ha!) This is 2017 after all. Do I really need a partner to have a child? I think not. Okay so a man would be nice too but do I really want to risk missing out on motherhood just because I waited too long for Mr Right to turn up?
Sometimes I panic like the best of them. Sometimes I wonder why I'm so far behind all my married friends. But then I bring myself back down to earth and remember that if I want changes in my life, then it's damn well down to me to shape myself and make them happen.
Looking at it from another aspect, maybe things are unfolding exactly as they should. Maybe I was always meant to adopt. Perhaps that is my destiny - if you're a believer of that sort of thing. I guess no-one really knows what's around the corner right?
Do you ever panic about the future? Can you relate to this?
If you made it to the end of this awfully long post then high fives to you. Hope the week is treating you kindly. Until next time...
Justine xxx
Photo via Pexels
I'm getting married in five months, and I panic that I'm getting married TOO SOON! Haha. I think all of us, whether coupled up, single, with kids, without, worry that we're doing it 'wrong.' There is no wrong though. There are so many options to you Justine. You may find yourself in a whirlwind romance, where you're married before you've even been together a year! You may not. You may adopt, and provide a loving, happy home to a child who desperately needs it. Who knows?! You're still SO YOUNG! Thirties isn't old, and there's still so much time. People are having healthy children into their mid-late forties, so don't worry about that damned biological clock. The world is your oyster, hun, so go out there and give it your all! x www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x
ReplyDeleteThanks for this hun. Sometimes I just need to be reminded to calm down and let things flow. What will be will be after all xxx
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